Government pledges unaffordable housing

Nice: One more time, with feeling

Dear Geraldine

Spyware confirms Spyware company's suspicions

Saddam ready to inspect US weapons

Exclusive Gerald Preview of the new Lord of the Rings film! -"Spoilers"-

Ireland sets sights on Steam Scheme

BNFL apologises for leak

An interview with George Best's liver



Evil Gerald Exclusive!

WITH the success of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, director Peter Jackson now has the clout and the cash to hire some big-time bankable names for its follow-up, The Two Towers. And Irish fans will be delighted by some of the new additions. GONE are the handsome, plucky nobodies of the first installment. IN are a host of familiar faces who will thrill audiences this Christmas.

Sultry sizzler Galadriel (pronounced GA-LAH-DAH-HR-EE-ELL) will now be played by Friends star Lisa Kudrow. FILM INSIDERS admitted that Cate Blanchett just wasn't "classy enough" to play the interfering elf in The Two Towers. "This is a much more subtle role, there are no green-faced spazz-outs or talking like Lauryn Hill. It requires the work of a more nuanced, well-rounded actress - or Lisa Kudrow, whichever is cheaper."

The Justin Timberlake of Middle Earth, originally slated to be played by Justin Timberlake, will now be portrayed by noted character actor Jason Mewes. Timberlake ruled himself out last year due to crippling singing commitments. At the time, the disappointed singer said he was "booked solid to sing for the whole year - what a shame, this project would have been great. I love Terry Pratchett and it would be awesome to work with George Lucas again." Instead, Mewes, who reads the books EVERY YEAR, at least, is sure to be the breakout star of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

OUT - Lil 'Lijah Wood has been axed - not by some grief-crazed dwarf but by THE PRODUCERS who now want to beef up the lead role and bring it some gravitas by hiring a serious actor. Stand up, David Hasselhoff. The gregarious German says he's delighted with his performance, having added two new expressions to Frodo's face. Look out for "Angry" and "Sexy" Frodo, in addition to last year's staples, "Worried" and "Confused" Frodo.

The tragic and untimely death of the hell-raising veteran actor Ian McKellen left THE DIRECTOR with the most difficult dilemma of his life ever: Should he keep Gandalf safely killed off, or bring him back to life in a STUPID and ILLOGICAL plot twist that would cost AUS$278m (EUR7bn) to realise? Lally accepted the dream role with his trademark expression of good natured bemusement; "Well, holy fuck. Get off my land."

Aragorn ("Strider"), formerly played by creepy nobody Viggo Mortensen, will now be played by handsome Irish wannabe Stuart Townsend. Townsend, a young Irish actor with black hair, not Colin Farrell but A BIT like him, is thrilled. "Once Colin Farrell gets fat and aggressive like Russell Crowe, I will be the new young Irish Colin Farrell actor $5m up-and-coming Hollywood sex addict." When asked if he thought some commentators were worried by his inexperience and lack of acting ability, he replied "not nearly worried enough."

The film will also star:
Alanis Morissette ...Arwen
Corey Haim ...Samwise Gamgee
Patrick Swayze ...Boromir
Kevin Smith ...Gimli
Ashton Kutcher & Sean William Scott ...Merry & Pippin (Also starring in the first spin-off, "Dude, Where's my Second Breakfast?")
John Lithgow ...Saruman
The Rock ...Sauron




    Back issues     Breaking news     Story archives     About