Who will be the next editor of The Irish Times?

My friends at Jack Daniels

AOL chick won't leave me alone

Saddam's Secret Army

Enda Kenny's n** ra*****

FCUK - still funny

9-11-2001 is "so last year" say Iraqis

Dear Geraldine

Dubs: Sure, it's only a game of football

Editorial: You are Outraged!

Howlin: I'm not interesting

News in Brief: Livingstone livid, Switzerland Swots; Soham Police appeal for hysteria



London plans September 11 memorial

London Mayor, Ken Livingstone, has come under fire for the decision not to build the city's tribute to those who died in the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington in one of the major parks in the London area. The memorial is to be located in New York. On hearing of the decision, Maverick Labour MP, George Galloway, was supportive, remarking, "Tony Blair is pulling the wool over our eyes to hide the smokescreen behind which he's rattling his sabre".

Police in Soham call for panic

After finding the missing English schoolgirls, Jessica Chapman and Holly Wells, and a recent raft of attempted child abductions, Detective Chief Inspector Andy Hebb has called on the British public to step up "rampant paranoia".

In a press conference earlier today the detective urged people to "Look at the behaviour of your friends, relatives, neighbours, anything. Maybe they look funny, maybe they have strange habits. Any one of these things could mean they are murderous kidnapping pederasts".

In a meeting with Soham townsfolk, Maurice Audley, a former local police chief superintendent, said that it has never been police policy to set neighbour against neighbour or to ask someone in the community to spy on their neighbours. "However, now, we ask you to peer into
each other's rubbish, spy through windows and above all, don't trust anybody, not your neighbours, your relatives, your parents or your children. Anyone of them could be a psycho bastard, and you have no way of knowing."

The streets of Soham are now empty, to walk in them is suspicious - locals peer through closed curtains at other locals peering through curtains. Remember - don't trust anybody. Trust kills.

Yoko Ono: "Give me a chance"

The wife of Beatle legend, John Lennon

Yoko Ono released a short film on MTV today, pleading with the world to "Give peace a chance". At the same time, the former wife of Beatle legend, John Lennon, asked for herself to be "given a chance". She hopes that people will someday see her as an individual, and not as a leech on the memory of Beatle legend John Lennon. "Look at my art, my photography, my music - I'm an individual, can't you see?" pleaded Beatle legend, John Lennon's former wife.

Swiss join UN
- Get badge, headed notepaper

Nerdy nation Switzerland has joined the UN. It pledges to sit at the front in every meeting, and take really good notes. Slacker nations like France and Finland have already begun preparations to slag the new entrant.




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