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So, how will the United States go about making gooey death of Iraqi teenagers pretending to be military zealots? Well, blockading and starving the major cities makes for bad TV, so they'll probably do it with weapons. What's the best they've got?

1. US troops:

2. Stealth bombers: The US has a frightening arsenal of stealth aircraft. Undetectable to enemy radar and sight, the B2 bomber is so stealthy that it isn't actually there when it drops bombs on you. Gen Hammond Orster, chief of stealth operations C-RAD, who himself does not exist, stated that "the B2 will be used in the [makes inverted commas with fingers] unlikely event of war in Iraq to deploy strategic, surgical, aid bombs". Some reports suggest that the ultra-secret B2 will also be used to tail Iraqi leaders, by modifying the plane - typically a newspaper with two round holes cut through it is used - it will be able to blend in with crowds.

3. Maverick smart bomb: One of the most successful public relations ventures of the last Gulf War was the smart bomb. A laser-guided explosive, or "bomb" could be dropped with pinpoint accuracy on any misidentified target, wedding, school, or Red Cross building. Using video guidance systems, the bomb could also take dazzling wedding photos (available on CD for $5 extra).

This time around the Maverick has received several modifications. In the tip of the bomb is a compartment of compacted animal guts - this is for two purposes: firstly, to make the tv pictures really gory and cool, and second, to make the Iraqis seem all the more inhuman by the sheer mass of guts they carry. In the rear of the bomb, placed over the explosive to attain maximum spray, is a keg of beer attached to a flask of whiskey. Upon detonation this addition will spray boiler-makers over the dead and dying camel-jockey, heeb motherfuckers, teaching them not to mess with the beer drinkin', God-lovin' US of A. It is also meant to ensure Iraqi soldiers go to Hell because they imbibed spirits. When not in use, the bomb serves as a handy drinks dispenser. The widget keeps the beer frothy for over a week.

4. In the new Tomahawk Cruise missile: In these the US military has found a use for those pesky Mexican immigrants. Where previous missiles were powered by jet fuel, this goes on the startling energy of its latino populace. Also available in blue, or with disgruntled eagle decals.

5. The M1A1 Abrahms tank: the core of America's ground armour, this august vehicle has typically seen service in the tank derbies and monster tank rallies of the last ten years. Iraqi soldiers should expect lots of confederate flags, and indecipherable southern radio chatter along the lines of "Breaker breaker, these here Ayraqis ain't smokie is they?" Due to a design flaw, however, they do not have working doors, so must be entered by swinging in through the window.


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