-Son of God's remains found behind rock
-"He was right here the whole time", say apologetic boffins
The remains of the popular mass religious figure, Jesus Christ (left), have been found in a cave behind the mount where history records He was put to death. The embalmed skeleton comes to light some 2000 years after Christ's supposed resurrection, which it now appears never took place, except perhaps in a vague, metaphorical sense.

Skeleticians say they are satisfied the crumpled heap is the earthly form of the Son of God, pointing to the huge sign above it reading "Here lies Jesus of Nazareth" in the five local languages of the time. A smaller sign indicated that admission was five shekels.

"Well, it's curtains for Christianity, alright," admitted top US skeletician Hope Sawyer. "We can finally say for certain that on the Third Day, Jesus was going nowhere". Referring to a rolled up 20 shekkel note and a pouch containing tobacco traces found near the corpse, she remarked "It's unlikely Jesus rose before 2pm any given day of the week".

Despite the dramatic contents of the find, there is no trace of the longed-for Fifth Gospel - Jesus's autobiography - rumoured to contain all the bitchy bits and his recipes for shephard's pie.

The Vatican responded coolly to the news, a spokesman saying: "Naturally, God still exists. It just appears that, in common with many other fathers, he had a layabout bum of a Son who could not do the one simple thing he was asked."

The skeleton was taken for examination to the nearby Jerusalem University Department of Archaeology , where it's condition was described as 'stable'.