Lawlor (left) is to conclude his evidence at the Flood Tribunal through
the medium of dance, his lawyers revealed yesterday at a press conference.
"While he was banged up in the Joy, Liam was enrolled in a class
entitled Conflict Resolution Through Dance, aimed at reducing latent male
aggression and to encourage a more honest and earnest approach to their
lives. Liam thinks that this is a great idea and now needs, for emotional
reasons only, to give his evidence in this manner", his lawyer David
His legs are
Lawlor is set to give evidence through a series of hand and arms gestures,
while his face contorts to reveal emotions and events. His legs are to
form the swaying and rhythm. Cross examination is likely to take the form
of a two-hand reel, and Lawlor's counsel is planning to give his closing
statement in the style of a seanchai ballad.
there is to be a judicial inquiry into whether dance is a legitimate and
legally binding form of evidence. Chief Justice Flood was said to be "seething
with that bollix, it's just another pathetic excuse to avoid answering
the question. He's fucked." In what appears to be a personal appeal
to the deputy, he added "Just give it up, you bum".
Bertie Ahern said
at Fianna Fail support Lawlors actions. In answering a question as to
whether the reason of support may be because the party fear dangerous
revelations about themselves, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern said, "I
mean yeah, if he doesn't speak he can't drop us in it, obviously",
and added that what he termed "non-verbal testimony" might be
better: "Perhaps what he has to say will be so shocking for Irish
voters that they may not vote for us the next time. And that would be
the real miscarriage of justice".
Lawlor's resignation from three Dail Committees in the last week has fuelled
rumours that he will have to take the next job or course offered to him
by FAS, as the Tanaiste Ms. Harney introduced last year her "zero
tolerance on wasters" measures aimed at combating abuses of social
contacted by this paper, Mr. Lawlor was unavailable for comment as he
was in the PoD at dance classes with Boyzone and Marcel Marceau.
Lawlor denies past
An increasingly desperate Liam Lawlor
has taken to denying having a past, if recent public appearances are anything
to go by. The following conversation was recorded by an Evil Gerald reporter
after the West Dublin TD had opened a Supermarket in Lucan:
Reporter: Mr Lawlor, will you be co-operating with the Flood Tribunal?
Mr Lawlor: [fuming silence]
Reporter: Mr. Lawlor, you have given undertakings-
Mr Lawlor: [mutters] No.
Reporter: But as a public representative-
Mr Lawlor: I'm not a TD. Never was. What's a TD?
Reporter: But you were elected-
Mr Lawlor: Didn't happen. I've been right here the whole time.
Reporter: But we have pictures of you at the Dail.
Lawlor: Mother of Jaysus! [runs off].
Mr Lawlor has also denied any involvement in a lunch money racketing scam
dating back to his schooldays. Lawlor, an ordinary man in extraordinary
circumstances, was taken aback when it was put to him that he had been
taking 'lunch money' since he was six.
candidly denied the charge, although sums of money, adding up to £200,000,
have been linked to him. It is alleged that Lawlor, in collusion with
associate Barry Bottom (right) took this money from school colleagues
while making empty promises to do their homework. The homework remains
allegedly, it seems that Lawlor did not give this practice up once he
left school. According to sources, Mr. Lawlor promised entire classes
of students in schools in his constituency that he would do their homework
for them in exchange for 'lunch money' while acting as a T.D. He may have
promised to finish up twelve post-graduate theses and sit six hundred
and eighty eight exams, although the full extent of his activities might
never become clear.