Click for a larger imageLiam Lawlor (left) is to conclude his evidence at the Flood Tribunal through the medium of dance, his lawyers revealed yesterday at a press conference.

"While he was banged up in the Joy, Liam was enrolled in a class entitled Conflict Resolution Through Dance, aimed at reducing latent male aggression and to encourage a more honest and earnest approach to their lives. Liam thinks that this is a great idea and now needs, for emotional reasons only, to give his evidence in this manner", his lawyer David Hughes stated.

His legs are
Lawlor is set to give evidence through a series of hand and arms gestures, while his face contorts to reveal emotions and events. His legs are to form the swaying and rhythm. Cross examination is likely to take the form of a two-hand reel, and Lawlor's counsel is planning to give his closing statement in the style of a seanchai ballad.

However, there is to be a judicial inquiry into whether dance is a legitimate and legally binding form of evidence. Chief Justice Flood was said to be "seething with that bollix, it's just another pathetic excuse to avoid answering the question. He's fucked." In what appears to be a personal appeal to the deputy, he added "Just give it up, you bum".

Bertie Ahern said
Sources at Fianna Fail support Lawlors actions. In answering a question as to whether the reason of support may be because the party fear dangerous revelations about themselves, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern said, "I mean yeah, if he doesn't speak he can't drop us in it, obviously", and added that what he termed "non-verbal testimony" might be better: "Perhaps what he has to say will be so shocking for Irish voters that they may not vote for us the next time. And that would be the real miscarriage of justice".

Mr. Lawlor's resignation from three Dail Committees in the last week has fuelled rumours that he will have to take the next job or course offered to him by FAS, as the Tanaiste Ms. Harney introduced last year her "zero tolerance on wasters" measures aimed at combating abuses of social welfare privileges.

When contacted by this paper, Mr. Lawlor was unavailable for comment as he was in the PoD at dance classes with Boyzone and Marcel Marceau.

Meanwhile: Lawlor denies past
An increasingly desperate Liam Lawlor has taken to denying having a past, if recent public appearances are anything to go by. The following conversation was recorded by an Evil Gerald reporter after the West Dublin TD had opened a Supermarket in Lucan:

Reporter: Mr Lawlor, will you be co-operating with the Flood Tribunal?
Mr Lawlor: [fuming silence]
Reporter: Mr. Lawlor, you have given undertakings-
Mr Lawlor: [mutters] No.
Reporter: But as a public representative-
Mr Lawlor: I'm not a TD. Never was. What's a TD?
Reporter: But you were elected-
Mr Lawlor: Didn't happen. I've been right here the whole time.
Reporter: But we have pictures of you at the Dail.
Lawlor: Mother of Jaysus! [runs off].

Mr Lawlor has also denied any involvement in a lunch money racketing scam dating back to his schooldays. Lawlor, an ordinary man in extraordinary circumstances, was taken aback when it was put to him that he had been taking 'lunch money' since he was six.

The homework remains
He candidly denied the charge, although sums of money, adding up to £200,000, have been linked to him. It is alleged that Lawlor, in collusion with associate Barry Bottom (right) took this money from school colleagues while making empty promises to do their homework. The homework remains undone.

However, allegedly, it seems that Lawlor did not give this practice up once he left school. According to sources, Mr. Lawlor promised entire classes of students in schools in his constituency that he would do their homework for them in exchange for 'lunch money' while acting as a T.D. He may have promised to finish up twelve post-graduate theses and sit six hundred and eighty eight exams, although the full extent of his activities might never become clear.



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